“Are you dating anyone?”, “When do you think you’ll have children?” and “Have you got that promotion yet?” are just a few of the common questions leaving young adults with anxiety about heading home for the holidays.
The anxiety that comes with these questions from loved ones—however well-meaning—can leave many people feeling lost and cause mental health issues. Anisha Patel-Dunn, D.O., a psychiatrist and chief medical officer at LifeStance Health, calls this “milestone FOMO.”
Patel-Dunn told Newsweek: “Milestone FOMO is that feeling of anxiety as we’re forced to confront our ‘progress’ against these traditional life milestones, especially compared to our siblings and peers that we—and our parents—now have more visibility into than ever before thanks to social media.”
It Can Feel Like an Interrogation
Licensed marriage and family therapist Evie Shafner told Newsweek: “Sometimes a well-meaning question from loved ones can feel like an interrogation. ‘When are you going to give me grandchildren?’ sounds like ‘How come you haven’t?’ These can happen any time, but the holidays are a particularly fertile ground to be trapped by your great Aunt Martha who has 32 questions about your personal life.”
Despite these questions being commonplace at family gatherings, research shows that people are putting off what may be considered significant life milestones for longer.
Marriage rates have been falling in the U.S. since the 1990s. The Current Population Survey (CPS) reported that in 2021, less than 60 percent of men and less than 50 percent of women were married.
Once they are settled down, couples are also waiting longer to have children. The latest figures from the U.S. Census Bureau reveal that the average age women are now giving birth is 30 years old.
Amid a backdrop of financial turmoil, many are also struggling to become first-time homeowners as dreams of white picket fences are crushed under the weight of inflation and high mortgage rates.
“For some families, the holidays may be the first time they’re gathering together in person since the pandemic began. It’s also when extended family members who you may not speak to regularly and may not be as close with tend to come all together,” said Patel-Dunn. “In these situations, they may think they’re simply ‘making conversation’ or making up for lost time without realizing what’s going on behind the scenes in their family members’ lives, and these innocent questions may be triggering.”
Shafner recalled how she was married in her 30s when most of her friends had already settled down: “Whenever my parents’ friends would see me, they would take my hand and say, “Nu?” which is Yiddish for ‘When is it going to happen for you?’ They would do this even if I didn’t have a boyfriend, but just because of my age. And, of course, we realize they might have the best intentions at heart, and want the best for us.”
A time we like to think of as about fun, connection and family, Thanksgiving can quickly become stressful if you’re busy trying to get around uncomfortable questions. But what are the best ways to handle uncomfortable question time?
Visualize What You Are Going to Do
“If your family does go there, there are ways to cope,” said Shafner. “Come prepared. What I mean by that is literally visualize what you are going to do if you get triggered by someone else’s words, anticipate what might upset you, and have a plan. Try not to take things personally.”
Patel-Dunn suggests having a clear and open conversation about your discomfort that can even become a brilliant opportunity to talk openly about your feelings. “You might be surprised at how receptive your family members are to open and direct conversations,” she said. “If your close family members are asking you challenging questions like these, try taking it as an opportunity to share your feelings with them instead of just brushing off the question for it to come up again later.
“Use ‘I’ statements to describe how their questions impact you, like ‘I am feeling pressure to make big life choices that are really personal, and I would feel much more comfortable coming home for the holidays if we didn’t focus on my timeline.’ Or ‘I’m feeling really proud of where I am in my career right now, so I’d love if we could focus on all the positive things happening for me, rather than focus on things I haven’t done yet,’” said Patel-Dunn.
Although often said with the best intentions at heart, Shafner explained how it is important that relatives be careful with questioning during the holidays. “Even if it’s out of love and you want to help them, those comments are not always welcomed,” she explained.
“Here are some things not to say: ‘How come you moved so far away to go to school? Your mother could sure use you around.’ ‘Have you checked to see if your major really translates into being able to make money?’ ‘Looks like you’ve been enjoying the cafeteria food a little too much.’ ‘Do you think you can really get a job with those tattoos?’ I don’t know about you, but that actually sounds like a comedy routine that is, in fact, not funny at all.”
